It’s a Thursday, I’ve made some more changes to the www.ClassicCarLink.com site and just got home. I don’t want to touch the Xbox, I don’t want to watch a film. Actually I haven’t watched a film in weeks, well Rocky a few times when I was drunk but haven’t even touched the Xbox for the last three weeks. I just want to keep my head on something constructive. I haven’t or lets say don’t post on here regularly enough. I like writing, I might not be good at it, I might not be able to spell but it’s fun. I’ve been through a rough year, I don’t write this because I want sympathy. In fact I don’t even know why I’m writing this other than the fact I like it. Although I couldn’t see it eleven months ago, I was bored but I thought I was content. I had stopped learning, stopped wanting, stopped everything. I’ve been loads of places throughout my life; Spain, France, Denmark, Italy, Germany, Prague and maybe some others I can’t think of. I’ve been Florida, Miami, Las Vegas, Curacao and actually like travelling even though I never take holidays. Most of it was all to do with my previous job in poker. At nineteen years old I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I did three years of business and to be honest wasn’t really interested. By 19/20 I started in customer service and really liked poker, I think it had to do with me playing a lot of card games growing up. By twenty one I was assistant manager and shortly after I was offered a job in Curacao as poker room manager. Then the US changed the law and I moved back to Spain where I played poker professionally, lol that was hard work. Eventually I moved back in to poker as a product manager. At this time I was around 23 and was really happy with what I had done.

At 25 my relationship of three and half years ended and it crushed me. I never believed in depression, I always thought it was for weak people. I was very wrong, it hit me so hard and I did a lot of stupid drinking and other things I shouldn’t have. It ran for a few months and I really couldn’t control it. Then one day I walked in to work and said this job isn’t going anywhere, to be fair there was a lot of people that were making differences but for me I couldn’t take it. It was just a bad combination of my ex girlfriend working no more than a few tables away,  not being tested and just not learning anymore. It was a stupid move at the time, it just seemed to catapult me in to darkness. Not getting out of bed, going through 5 grand in about a month. I was left with nothing. I’ve never been good with money but my brother helped me out. No one can really help you when your depressed, you have to do it yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard that before but there is so much truth in it. I couldn’t find a job, I thought it would be easy with my background. Even today I’m still not sure now if it was because the way I walked out, because I said some pretty bad things. It might just have been because the way the economy is at the moment. Saying that, the gambling industry seems to do better when times are hard. One day out of the blue I was contacted via Skype and asked if I wanted to come for an interview, of course I jumped at the chance. I was off work for nearly five months and it was driving me crazy. I built a new website in that time but it only took me a few days and although it was a nice design and I learned a little more, I still felt bored. So I went the next day and there was almost no question of can you do it, it was when can you start. I was confused, I went straight home and spoke to my Dad in which his response was “do you want money”? I phoned them straight back and started the next day. That was nearly three months ago and to be honest a lot has changed since then. I can’t say what I’m doing at the moment because we haven’t launched yet.

I started working and the guys I worked with were so enthusiastic about everything, it made me think I used to be like that. What happened? Bit by bit I was given some audio books on self motivation, which I would have never listened to if you asked me seven months ago. I don’t know what the guys saw in me, but they didn’t judge they just let me advance on my own. For example can you change this image, hmm I’ve never used photoshop. By the end of the third week I was already designing a new logo for a new site Classic Car Link. I then started working on the site and thought wow, I knew I could but what else can you do. I heard stories of my Dad building cars, houses, cavans and even a small glider (not sure if my brother is taking the piss on this one). I asked how, he said if it was built by man I can do it. I was always impressed by that, I may not be good with my hands but I can build pretty much build a site from scratch if I use the time to learn. I know a little CSS, HTML. I’ve had about twenty domains over the years and had a go at building some five or eight websites. I started losing weight, not the right way but I lost it. I started feeling a lot better about my self. Don’t get me wrong I can still feel that dark spot and the best way to get rid of it is to keep my head in something like work, reading, learning or building a site. This is the last paragraph of my email when I quit my job:

Why not wait and hand in my notice, well to be fair I would never write this email and to be even more honest with myself I probably wouldn’t end up leaving. I know this email is going to look bad on xxx and he’s going to be really angry with me not only as boss but as a friend. I’ve worked for xxx for nearly 5 years (on and off); I honestly wanted to make a difference but to be fair I don’t think I can any more. The reason for me sending this email, I used to be strong, truthful and ambitious but some where down the line I gave up.

I didn’t believe that last line at the time but now I realise its so true. Also I used to blame my ex girlfriend for making me weak when we broke up, well that’s a lie. I let myself get weak and I’m glad to just be back. Now I go feeling, confident, try different things and believe it or not optimistic. I’m a cynical fuck but if I’ve learned anything recently, people can change. I’ve changed, if only for a small time. I know what I can do and I can fix it. One of the most amazing truths I heard recently, “you can only change your future now”. I felt a little bad tonight, I know why but writing this actually made me feel better. I just want to keep active and stay with this motivation. If anyone actually reads this, be honest with yourself first. I tried to trick myself in to feeling better but it was a lie and I knew. To quote my brother, “time doesn’t heal, time makes you forget”. So you have to change it now.

So what’s next, fuck knows lol. Given my past I have my head straight, it can only get better. Had anchovies on my pizza last Saturday, never had them before…they taste like ass and not good ass. At least I tried.

Dam, it’s eleven and I know I wont sleep for another hour. I thought typing this would have filled the gap. Some extra stuff I’ve learned this year in no particular order:

• If your feeling down, don’t listen to depressing music. You really start to hear the lyrics. Even now I can’t listen to James Blunt and I used to be a big fan. My music is fucked up, my current library consists of Beastie Boys, Phil Collins, Rod Stewart, Guns and Roeses, Foo Fighters (currently listening to “Pretender”), Nivana and Mr Blunt who I will delete after this post. That list makes no fucking sense.
• Don’t drink, fuck me don’t drink. If your like me and you like it to much, just make sure you do it with the right mind. I’m compulsive which has its good and bad points, it means I can’t just have one. It also means if I like something, I will stick at it. I once played poker every night after work in a casino in Curacao for nearly six months, while doing my day job. I used to get up at nine, finish work at five, sleep and wake up at ten and play till the table closed around three AM. I made some good money, about ten to fifteen grand if I remember correctly. I used that money to go to Disney World, lol quite possibly the greatest place on the planet. Anyone can be a kid, everyone is happy.
• Hate the word luck, luck is just preparation meets opportunity. I hate it when people say I’m lucky or unlucky for that matter. When things go right take the credit for it. So many people can’t take a compliment, I was one of those people. Nice job, no it was nothing. Actually it was something, just say thank you. It will make you feel so much better.
• Try; easier said than done but if you don’t what have you done. Your still no better or no wiser than you were five minutes ago.
• Do the shit that makes you happy, I thought it was just games, but recently I realised as little as writing and talking to new people makes me happy. There are two new people I meet on the bus I ride to work every day. The first is Dougie, man this guy can make me laugh. Oldish guy but he’s got great stories from the QE2 and they are always interesting. The other is Chello, she can speak French, Spanish, Italian and English. Great cook by the sounds of it, she’s offered me a meal soon at the restaurant where she works and although I only met her today for thirty minutes, I’m going to take her up on that offer.
• Stay connected, don’t hide away from everyone. I would hit a bad night and literally hide away for a week. I actually messed up this Friday just gone. In basic to much drink and overreacted to something that was eating me. Normally I would have stayed in bed that extra few hours on the next day and then lived in the couch for the weekend. Instead I jumped out of bed and started working on a new website.
• Change your image and you will change. Sounds stupid and not sure if this one is true but I lost some weight like I said above, but then I thought what would I look like with a shaved head lol. So I did and although it’s not an improvement I actually felt different.
• Watch Rocky, 1 then 2 and so forth and repeat. This seems to work for me, you know Sylvester has a great life story you should read it. It’s very moving, he wasn’t always built that way and  he’s a fantastic actor.
• Choose your role models wisely, I’ll tell you who I love atm; Dana White (UFC CEO), the guy is a fucking legend. If your shit your out, if your a fan talking shit, he’ll tell you to STFU internet tough guy. He’s the complete opposite of what a CEO of a large, new and growing company should be. I once had to do a management seminar and I was a complete twat. Always questioning why is that right, look at Gordon Ramsey he runs it this way and he has some of the best restaurants in the world. I’m not saying I’m right but at least he does it his way and it works for him, so I’ll do it my way as well.
• Remove should, luck, would, could. If you want to do it, try ffs.
• Above all family, I never really had a family. Not because they weren’t there for me, mainly because I thought I didn’t need anyone. Even now I can still be very selfish but I am changing that. When the shit hits the fan, they will be there for you no matter what. There is something in blood I don’t think anyone understands.

Ok I’m done, going to read some UFO news, I love the idea that there is something else out there.