I Am that I Am

Let me state first that I didn’t write this but who ever did is a genius:

LMAO the last image had me in tears, remember to click on the image to see the enlarged version.

If anyone knows who wrote this or if he has an official site, please let me know as I would like to read some more.

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My friend sent a classic email to Eve Online support after they asked him to update his account details:

Hi.

I’m afraid that we do not currently accept those currencies, but who knows what the future might bring.

Best regards,
Senior GM Panic
EVE Online Customer Support

2010.02.18 12:37:00   None
————————————————————————

Dear Eve,

Ok I am a little short on isk this month but I have good credit, check any of
the stations in Jita and you will see I am good for the isk. As you can see
i am a little short this month in isk as its all in buy orders but i have
managed to obtain lots of funds in other games that I have played, can you
confirm you will take Gold Pressed Latinum, Republic Credits, Nuka Bottle
Caps or even Final Fantasy Gils for next months subscription?

I am looking forward to your response

PS: My son has tons of mario yellow coins if you are interested

Please give me the appropriate exchange rates and form of payment and I can
stick this email in my done folder….Cheers

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Just when it got quiet:

Dear Geoff,

I think a small door for future maintenance would be sensible idea; however please give me a few days to confirm any changes meet the correct building regulations.

On the subject of flood lighting, it had occurred to me less and less of the younger generation are attending Sunday mass.

My Grandson gave me the idea after watching Batman, his number one super hero. When Batman’s assistance is required, the city shines a large flood light in the symbol of a bat. Although it sounds far fetched, both Jesus and Batman had a lot in common, both wore a cape, fight crime at night and both have been depicted in modern literature. Is this something we could do but instead of a bat (of course) I was thinking the silhouette of a large crucifix?

Look forward to hearing your comments.

O.Cross

On 16 February 2010 11:09, Geoff Gallifant <geoff.XXXXX@XXXXX> wrote:
> Good morning Oliver,
>                               Thanks for your e-mail regarding a
> camera in the female bathroom.
>
> I have also been thinking about the church flood lighting and the
> ongoing maintainance. Is there any possibility that a small door can
> be inserted in the grills on the tower that the lights can be mounted
> on? This would be great for   replacing the  lamps when required if
> the doors can be opened inwards to allow access to the lights. Let me
> know if this is possible as it would cut down on installation and future maintanance costs.
>
> Will be in touch regarding bathroom.
>
> Regards
>
> Geoff Gallifant
>
> —– Original Message —– From: “Oliver Jon Cross”
> <oliver.cross@gmail.com>
> To: “Geoff Gallifant” <geoff.XXXXX@XXXXX>
> Sent: Monday, February 15, 2010 4:57 PM
> Subject: Re: Church outside lighting
>
>
> Dear Geoff,
>
> I have always been a firm believer “of the eye is watching us all”,
> however sometimes God needs a little help.
>
> After several complaints of theft in the female bathrooms, we require
> high definition surveillance equipment. I will also require direct and
> personal access to rule out any internal tampering. Although this
> isn’t my expertise I suggest the best placement for the camera would
> be directly above the air filter in second cubicle.
>
> Please send me the quote as soon you have any spare time.
>
> Kind Regards,
>
> O.Cross
>
> On 15 February 2010 17:14, Geoff Gallifant <geoff.XXXXX@XXXXX> wrote:
>>
>> Hi Oliver,
>> Sorry to keep you waiting regarding the quote for the church. I am
>> looking at numerous options including, sensors which can warn you in
>> the vicarage about intrudes on the roof and we have a product which
>> not only is a sensor but has a built in cctv camera.
>>
>> My only concern is mounting the lights on the tower and replacing
>> lamps when they fail. I will be in touch as soon as I have all the
>> information to put a quote together.
>>
>> Regards
>>
>>
>> Geoff Gallifant

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Hmmm, jsut check out this:

http://www.dioceseofyork.org.uk/files/adminandinfo474-1.pdf

101 COTTINGHAM – CLERGY – INSERT – (AC) The Revd Oliver Cross 2007, 10
Kingtree Avenue, Cottingham, HU16 4DS, email oliver.cross@gmail.com

At the gates of heaven, maybe I’ll get through on a technicality.

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Actually got a reply on this one, although he didn’t reply after the 2nd mail. Perhaps this was a little to over the top compared to my previous emails, but it still makes me laugh.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Oliver Jon Cross <oliver.cross@gmail.com>
Date: 2009/11/19
Subject: Re: Ordination
To: Father Simon <fathersimon@XXXXX.co.uk>
>
>
>Hey Simon,
>
>What does a bible and a penis have in common ?
>
>
>
>Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest
>
2009/11/19 Father Simon <fathersimon@@XXXXX.co.uk>:
> Oops – I think I forgot to attach the Alleluia and Psalm (which we
> probably won’t be using!)
>
> Beeny Hinn – ah yes – strange how Lourdes only has two attested
> miracles and received millions of pilgrims per year. He miraculously
> heals thousands at each sitting!
>
> Best wishes,
>
> Simon
>
> —– Original Message —– From: “Oliver Jon Cross”
> <oliver.cross@gmail.com>
> To: “Father Simon” <fathersimon@@XXXXX.co.uk>
> Sent: Thursday, November 19, 2009 12:13 PM
> Subject: Re: Ordination
>
>
> Dear Simon,
>
> Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I was thinking of bringing
> something a little different. Perhaps “I’m the Leader of the Gang (I
> Am)” and “Hello, Hello, I’m Back Again” as I know it’s the children’s
> favourite. Any way must dash; I must call Benny Hinn as it’s the
> second time this month he’s left his wand in the Priory.
>
> Speak Soon,
>
> Oliver
>
> 2009/11/19 Father Simon <fathersimon@@XXXXX.co.uk>:
>>
>> Dear Father,
>>
>> Thanks for agreeing to play for the Ordination on Saturday.
>>
>> I hope that you have the music for the Spatzenmasse. Apart from that
>> there is Ave Verum by Mozart, Alleluia and Psalm (althogh this night
>> have changed apparently). I attach copies of the latter.
>>
>> We are rehearsing from 10 am and it would be great if you were there then.
>> If you need to speak to me my number is XXXX XXX XXXX.
>>
>> Best wishes,
>>
>> Simon

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I know I said I wouldn’t be posting anymore but to be honest I can’t help myself. This one was to good to be true. I just kept it short a sweet. Saying that I could have done a lot worse. Classic Alan.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Oliver Jon Cross <oliver.cross@gmail.com>
Date: 2009/10/26
Subject: Re: Schedule a Meeting?
To: Bell xxxxx <bxxxxxxxxx.txxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>

Hello Belle,

I am free from Wednesday, please let me know the time and the place that’s best for you. Remember Belle, “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”.

Peace out,

Oliver

2009/10/23 Belle Thomson <bxxxxx.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>:
> Dear Father,
> I know we spoke about this at length last Friday, and I did take the
> first step you suggested and ordered that book. To be honest, it
> arrived yesterday, but I haven’t had the courage to open it yet. You
> see, the prospect of change is scary to me; even if it would be an
> obvious change for the better. This has always been an issue for me,
> and I could never figure out why.
> Last night I wrote out a detailed list of all the negative
> consequences of my actions and I went into great detail as you
> suggested. Of course, I also wrote out a detailed list of the ways in
> which my life will change for the better once I’m able to curb my
> sexual appetite. I’m even more convinced now that I need to change,
> but it’s this first step that’s killing me. It’s almost like despite
> the negative consequences I’ve suffered to date, I’m afraid to lose
> this part of me. I guess it’s the same with any addiction. I just wish mine was a more common one, like smoking.
> Well, I apologize for rambling, but as you’re aware you’re the only
> one that knows of my “challenge” and the struggle to overcome it. If
> possible I would very much like to schedule a time to meet with you at
> your earliest convenience.
> Best Regards,
> Bxxxxxxxxx

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Anyone got any, I would really appreciate it. My email is Oliver.Cross@gmail.com.

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I don’t know this guy (well I hope not anyway). I thought its just good manners to reply.

—–Original Message—–
From: Oliver Jon Cross [mailto:oliver.cross@gmail.com]
Sent: 06 August 2009 12:18
To: Ben XXXXXXX
Subject: Re: Coding

Hello Ben,

Sorry I didn’t email you sooner. I will be out of the office for the
next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as
‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Oliver’.

Wish me luck,

Oliver (Loretta)

2009/8/6 Ben Gribbin <ben@XXXXX.com>:
> How’s the coding coming along pal?
>
> Thanks,
>
> Ben
>
> Ben XXXXXXX,
> Creative Freelance Web Designer,
> Portfolio at bXXXXX.com

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It’s been a while but I got an email that wasn’t for me and surprisingly it wasn’t from the Church either.

—–Original Message—–
From: Oliver Jon Cross [mailto:oliver.cross@gmail.com]
Sent: 29 May 2009 16:48
To: XXX@XXX-publishing-house.com
Subject: Re: Academic Publishing (University Thesis)

Dear Ms Soogah,

Thank you for your email. I would be truly delighted for you to publish my feces. Obviously sending a fresh stool is never an easy task. Previously I have met with “publishers” in a discrete venue of their choice. From there you may help yourself to my clay pit.

Please let me know when you have made arrangements.

Regards,

O.Cross

2009/5/29  <XXX@vdm-XXX.com>:
> Dear Cross Godfrey Oliver,
>
>
> I am writing on behalf of the German publishing house, XXX Verlag Dr. Müller XXXXXXXXXX.
>
>
> In the course of a research at the “The University of Southern Mississippi”, I came across a reference to your thesis on “Desegregation of MiamiDade County public schools 19541959″. We are a German-based publisher whose aim is to make academic research available to a wider audience. XXXXX would be especially interested in publishing your dissertation in the form of a printed book.
>
>
> Your reply including an e-mail address to which I can send an e-mail with further information in an attachment will be greatly appreciated.
>
>
> I am looking forward to hearing from you.
>
> -
> Best Regards,
>
> XXX XXX
> Acquisition Editor
>
> XXX Publishing House Ltd.
>
> 17, Meldrum XXX. | Beau-XXX | Mauritius Tel / Fax: +230 XXX
>
> XXX@XXX-publishing-house.com | www.XXX-publishing-house.com
>
> Business Registration No.: C070XXXX
> Board of Directors: Katalin X, Benoit X, Saleem X

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