Get In
I’m picking up my camera today at 2pm. Let the fun begin, either that or alcohol poisoning.
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Another $60
Well it’s going to cost me another $60.00 to ship the camera again. This time I’m not giving any time frames, because when I do it seems to fuck everything up.
I felt bad the other day about posting a Squirrel being blasted though the air without a crash helmet. I was thinking, a ping pong ball sawed in half with a small elastic band would make an great crash helmet for a hamster, squirrel or even a chipmunk.
Anyway I wanted to find a video of a squirrel getting his own back. I couldn’t find one but I did find a Ninja Chipmunk. Â
Game Over
I see my package is now been shipped back to the supplier in Texas, UPS are fucking useless.Â
This Chuck Norris Fact cheered me up though.
“Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink”.
I Give Up
If you can get through this whole list without getting fired or commited, then you get my respect.Â
OFFICE DARES
One-Point
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other ‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, **** it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”.
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three Points
1) Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled ****.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”.
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five Points
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself)
2) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5) After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “the report’s on your desk, Mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”.
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”.
9) In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”.
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”.
13) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
20) Move your work desk and chair into the lift and when the doors open say “Hello, can I help you???” And if that wasn’t enough for you…
Seven Points
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it “IN.”
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write “FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS”.
7) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
Don’t use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!”
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!
Guaranteed Tomorrow
So I spoke to UPS this morning and they promise me I will get my package tomorrow. Apparently it has to be shipped back to Germany on to London and eventually Gibraltar. Â
Squirrel Fishing is such a cool idea, look how angry he is.
Just because they are fluffy and cute doesn’t mean they arn’t vermin. But it doesn’t give you the right to go around firing wild rodents in over sized catapults. It’s still genius though. Don’t worry I hear some Squirrel’s can fly, pitty this was a southern eastern squirrel.
This isn’t the actual video I first posted, it looks like Google removed it. However I did find a slight alternative.
FFS
Well I moved in to my new flat yesterday and then I thought I will grab a quick drink. I started at 8 and I think it was about 3 or 4 in the morning before I finished. Great start to my new flat, I woke up this morning and found I left the front door wide open and managed to leave every light on FFS.
Last night a guy I know brought his 6 month old labrador in to the bar. The little beer monster drank a whole Jack Daniels and coke. I thought that’s impressive, anyway I asked “why do you let him do that?” He told me he’s already had a pint of beer, at the time it made sense. On top of that he was eating anything off the floor. We are talking cigarette ends, tissues you name it. He seemed to be enjoying himself.
The other day I bought Léon and I realised he lived in the same flat as me (410). Jean Reno was amazing in that film, “No women, no kids”.
Not till Monday
The idiots down at UPS blame me for registering my address with the wrong post code. Well they are liars and the reason I know they are liars is because here in Gibraltar we don’t have any post codes.
Anyway they tell me it’s going to take another two days, which would rolls into Saturday. I guess I will have to wait till Monday now.
Today Barcelona - Tomorrow Gibraltar
Today I checked up on my package from UPS and I hear it’s in Barcelona, that means I can pick it up tomorrow.
I was looking for a picture to go with today’s post and I really like monkeys. Anyway I read this Article about how an online gambling company called Golden Palace bought the rights to name a new species of monkey. Can you believe they paid $650,000. I prefer to play on Poker Room but Golden Palace have some interesting marketing. Not sure it makes me want to play with them though.Â
Anyway I didn’t like the look of the Golden Palace Monkey, so I chose this one instead.
New Date Rape Drug
Polic
e are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer”. The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs”. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach after several beers; men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.
Second Thoughts
I was thinking when I start recording what if I don’t like what I see? Perhaps if I had a second life with random people that only know me when I’m drunk or perhaps I’ve acted out a scene from Death Wish.
On that note I want to pay tribute to possibly one of the talented and hardest actors of all time, Charles Bronson.
I’m joking, but honestly who knows? I’m still waiting for my spy cam from the US.